I spent certain amount of time today watching photos… since Fireworks Night right to our last day spent in
Couldn’t laugh, although I started going through them with the exact idea of offensive laughter and annihilation. Somehow, I couldn’t laugh… although I was prepared to do so and to sacrilege every single memory I still have. Memory of you… your eyelash-smile, your scent, the way you touch and that bloody tattoo on your back… every single little thing which is deeply rooted in my f*cked brain.
But… I couldn’t laugh… nor could I cry… I never cry… so I didn’t today either…
Work is still my way out of us… my asylum… safe place I can hide in… and I do so especially during these long winter nights which have embraced
Snow is still not melting… and its whiteness is offensive for my eyesight… crazy chick… I am again in the mood when I hate white, purity and anything that even subconsciously evokes illusions…
Don’t think that I am angry… no! I couldn’t be angry at you… I guess that I am still too grey to hate someone like you… especially having in mind that it wasn’t your fault, but mine… I don’t avoid acknowledging that… or admitting it to anyone.
It was my fault.
And if you may say that I hate anyone…that should be me… myself and I…
The funny thing for sure is the fact that there is a direct ratio between the silence I am expressing to you… and the audibleness I perform here… in my virtual reality where I am as anonymous as I might ever wish to be, and where I can allow myself to say and do all the things I would never in reality we both belong to.
Now I am just blabbing without any sense…
Never mind…
Anyway...take care...
xxx